Friday, December 16, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Saturday morning, and I have been singing at some karaoke joint last nights over drinks with my mates. I had such a great time. I over came my fear to sing 2 songs. The first my all time favourite The Mama & Papas "Dream a Little Dream". I sang it sultry and I sang it well. Then I told Cait that I really wanted to do "Natural Woman" but I was too chicken to sing it. I heard from my friend Mor that Mr. Man maybe coming but much later. So I hesitated to sing just in case he walks in on me singing.
But a couple of hours passed. I figured out that he won't be coming. Then Mor told me that he won't be coming tonight. I'm not sure how I felt. It was like a mixture of disappointment with a pinch of sadness. I still don't know why. I thought I have gone through this before. I no longer have feelings for him. But every time he does the extra mile for my friend that he fancies, I feel (I still hate to admit this) slightly taken back. Jealousy as they may say. Maybe because it makes me feel, why her and why not me. Am I really that not good enough? I really don't see anything wrong with me so there is this conflicted thought in my head telling me maybe I'm not good enough for him. Then another thought of, "wait, I sure I am and he's too blind to see it". I would rather believe the latter.
We were at the park a couple days ago having pizza. A bunch of us. Mr. Man decided to help us throw our bottles when Jo offered to help with our empty boxes. Maybe Mr . Man was trying to get the girl that he fancies's attention. Being all Mr. Nice Guy I guess. I told him to wait because I'm not done and I'm too lazy to find a trash can. He waited for a bit, I decided to gulp 2 inches inch of Strawberry Lemonade down within 2 seconds. I must have shocked Cait, I could see that she almost burst out laughing. I didn't really speak to Mr. Man, even after he decided to add me on facebook a few days later after adding his crush and another mutual friend of ours. I wasn't happy happy but I felt relief as he was ignoring me during lunch the day before.
So back to my story of last night, when I heard he wasn't coming I felt like venting. The only way I knew how to vent was through music so I did it with Aretha Franklin's Natural Woman. I belted out my tunes my newly made friends were left speechless. I wasn't there to show off my vocal talents but quite the contrary, really. I just wanted a vocally challenging song to vent and release my stress without breaking down. Plus my vocal coach told me, in order to get rid of my stage fright I am suppose to perform in front of others. She even suggesting me getting a pass to sing on the streets. But of course I would be too overtly-self-conscious to do that. I still don't know why does he have such an effect on me. Every time I see the girl he fancies texting and smiling, a thought in my mind that she's talking to him just creeps into mind. I absolutely hate this feeling. She is quite a good friend but I just can't help it. Sometimes I feel that my blog is where I do most of my confessions. As if my blog is a portal similar to a Confession Box.
I feel guilty feeling this way. I want to shift my feelings. It could very well me that I am tired of thinking about him. So for now, I will spend my day practicing my vocal exercise, doing a bit of Chinese, singing a little or anything else that may come to mind.
One thing that I can be thankful of is having my voice. That is the only thing that I feel that I am able to count on when I'm down. Well at least, I know as long as I stay healthy it will always be there for me. Something I can definitely rely on, even at my lowest.
Hope you cupcakes have a wonderful Saturday ahead.
Much Love et Mille Bisous,
Monday, April 18, 2011
And so as the title of today suggests, I didn't cry over spilt milk. I surprised myself really and rather proud that I didn't cry over a boy. But for some reason when I saw him again today my stomach turned. I can't deny it, he still does have that effect on me. Sad to say though he seems like a nice person, besides the fact that he is so full of himself. He never once asked things about me. I should have taken this as a cue when he only talked about silly things and things that revolves around him.
He said hi to my friend today. I thought it was solely meant for her, that little one syllable word, so simple yet so meaningful. If you were to notice, every time when someone says hi to you it means that they acknowledge your presence. They want to be acquainted, in order words, they want to be your friend and get to know you better. A simple hi, yet it is difficult for me to utter those two letters, especially to him. How can I be caught up with such a dilemma. I told myself that I was going to act normal around him. Yet part of me is dying to go an extra mile, to show him the real me, all my bubbliness and how difficult it is to not love me. So I'll be able to show him how much he is missing out for treating me merely as a jealousy trap. This morning came and gone and I still acted nonchalant around him. I was betrayed so I was hurt. And was it going to be worth it?
He had lunch with my group of friends today. But we were seated at different ends of the restaurant because of the number of limited seats on one table. I was seated with three of my friends while him the table beside the girl that he fancies. We had dumplings and when the girl left he was still seated there not noticing that she had left. So when he and his friends decided to leave, I think he was a bit surprise that she had left. He walked by our table and waved to everyone with a bit of a non-smile. I'm not sure how else to call it. It was like a smirk but not really. I noticed my friends looking that direction, so I did too. I smiled back and said bye.
He left. My friends and I went over to have coffee at Starbucks. I felt good using my Thermos in exchange of a paper-cup. I just might start doing this more often. I mean why kill trees if you are only use the take-away cup for a short 30 minutes? It isn't even necessary to do so. Plus you'll get a 10 NTD discount using your own Thermos. We chatted about really random things and catching up with Cait was nice. She had just came back from a weekend trip in Bangkok with her long-time boyfriend. He left for Canberra last night and she came back to Taipei. I haven't spoken about Mr. Man to that girlfriend of mine. I successfully portrayed an image that I don't really bother about him. It still hurts but how can I be so selfish to let her know that I am? So of course, I didn't.
When we left I decided to walk with Cait in her direction. So the rest and us parted ways and I have recapped to Cait as to what had happened when she was away. I told her how stupid I felt. Like I could never do anything right. I know the girl does not like Mr. Man but she is feeling good about having an admirer. Who wouldn't? You would too, wouldn't you? So I don't blame her. Cait was surprised that Mr. Man would like someone who is 12 years his junior. I told her well it seems that it happens. She wasn't convinced until I told her that he got her number off another friend of ours. She said, "He didn't get it off her? That's a bit strange". I thought so too, but it was a good cover up from his end. "This guy", I told her, "is quite full of himself and to think that I misinterpreted the whole situation. Stupidly believing that he fancies me in return. But in actual fact I was the scapegoat." When I told Cait that I'm surprised that I didn't cry over him after finding out that he mistreated him and he doesn't feel the same way as I do. She simply answered, "Guess he doesn't mean that much to you". Cait made a very good point. It could be very well that I wasn't that into him either that or it could be that I have become stronger as an individual. If given the choice, I would like to believe, both.
Then Cait decided to take me on a Candy Spree. According to her, sweets always helps. I answered, "Yeah it helps with getting my teeth rotten." She laughed. That's the thing about Cait, she is just such a great listener and I thanked her for that. I wanted to talk more about it but decided that I should stop dwelling over it. So I stopped. We continued buying more than just candy. We shopped for stationaries and she got some arts and craft items to make a card for Mike. I think what she has with Mike is just wonderful. She never wants to admit that she will someday be married to him, she still claims that she isn't ready. But I told her countless times, the day will come and you will be certain he is the person for you. Why? Because she says that when she is with him, it is never all about him. In other words, he makes it all about her. Which I believe should be the way. There is a lesson learned here, when in a relationship, understandably there are two parties, whether woman & man, man & man, or woman & woman, both parties count. But when you love someone enough you will make it evident that they are your priority.
It struck me, even if I were to somehow miraculously end up with Mr. Man (which of course is never going to happen) I will be the one who is more involved in the relationship. The one who doubles up the giving and half in taking. The one who would love him more than he would do me. The one who will accept all his flaws and see them as character and not be reciprocated. The one who looks forward everyday to seeing his smile and him probably to his own reflection on the mirror. The one who will carry a packet of Clarinase in my handbag just in case, knowing that he has a sinus problem. The one who will hold him tighter when we hug. The one who will learn to cook his favourite meal (unasked) and him not even knowing what mine is. The one who will know more about his family members than he does to take effort with mine. The one who will be supportive of all his decisions and mine to be disregarded. The one who will be there for him when he is having a bad day and not bothered about when I in turn have one. I would in turn be a very very unhappy person. I would end up exhausting myself.
Like my mum always told me "Find a man who loves you more than you love him". I was doubtful that this would even be possible but to think about it, anything is possible. I am now in another foreign country and have moved from one continent to another within a year and a half. Two countries which first language isn't English. I am here settling quite nicely and I never did consider myself as the adventurous type. Or possibly even independent enough. Look at me now, I ought to be thankful as to how far I've come.
So finding a man in my life shouldn't even be my priority since I've got so much more to look forward to in life. Plus, I'm still only 26. If Mr. Perfect appears he would because as I have read in "The Joy of Doing Things Badly", by Veronica Chambers, "A Delay is not Denial". To put it simply, if something or someone you want isn't there readily for you, it doesn't mean that you will never achieve/ receive it. Like my mum herself always says, "Patience is virtual". Those three words which is rather annoying to hear especially to an 8-year-old-me. I guess she has a point. So keep your hopes alive as I am doing to mine.
"God isn't holding out on me, a delay is not a denial." -V.C
Love you Monday,
Sunday, April 17, 2011
I was never one of those to be affected by the opposite sex. Well at least it hasn't been that way for quite a while. Sometimes I don't even know how to feel about (false) love anymore. Love is definitely too strong of a word, to begin with. Let's just regard it as false belief. At this point, I feel used, betrayed and well disappointed with myself. I know I shouldn't be too hard on myself seeing that I have done no wrong.
This past Friday I decided to join my friends for a beer fest. To what I had thought to have been a great night. The night was flawless as it could get. I was approached by Mr. Man. We spoke for quite a while. I sense sign language of a flirtation going on. I savoured the moment. Silly me, thinking back. My friends noticed this and it seemed everything was going well. But I wondered why during our topic of conversation he never asked why I was in the city (seeing that I'm a foreigner) or even the reason for me to study a new language. These are all very normal questions that one would ask if they were interested in you. He didn't, I noticed but thought that it just didn't come up.
I left the place, feeling a tad tired since just recovering from being sick. My girlfriends asked me to join them to hit a club since Mr. Man was going as well. I didn't want to come across as being too desperate plus I was tired, so I decided on returning home and rest. I was gleaming the whole night. I was the first person he spoke to as he approached the party. I thought, "wow" this takes quite a bit of an effort. So I was happy as a naive little school girl.
I couldn't sleep that night that I came home. I bbm my sisters recapping a night filled with stories about Mr. Man. They were very happy for me, I was to. So after having countless cigarettes and chats, I went to bed but was awake til about 3ish. My mind, more awake than ever. I finally tired myself by thinking about everything that had happened hours ago.
The next morning I woke up about 9am. Awakened by a dream of yours truly and who else. Listening to Al Green's Let's Stay Together all morning, I was in a high. Dancing, singing and speaking to one of my dear friends in Hong Kong. I decided to grab a coffee from the Starbucks downstairs for breakfast. Still on a natural high. My friend came over and she wanted details. I happily shared them with her. Then she slipped out that he called her, asking her whether the club that she was going was any good. Apparently Mr. Man got her number from a mutual friend. I was a little taken back but soon recovered when she said that he wasn't hitting on anyone in the club. I smiled and thought good behavior is always commended in my checklist.
It wasn't until last night that it all turned. We decided on a Girls Night In with another girlfriend of ours. Chatting, reading mags, depolishing our nails, watching funny youtube videos that all of a sudden my friend gasp. She was on Facebook. I was behind her and I saw a Friend Invite. It was Mr. Man. He had only added two other guys from our mutual friends, now my friend. My heart sank, my heart dropped. I knew from that instant I was the detour. I felt used, angry, sad, disappointed, betrayed and all sorts of other emotions. I still had to keep up with my sunny disposition. Difficult but I managed to appear unaffected until about 4.30 in the morning when the girls left. I had a great time with the girls but I was still feeling down.
I did not blame my friend, because she has been such a dear friend and nothing should come in between our friendship. I am proud of myself to have felt that way. Mates before dicks. It is evident that I have misinterpreted the whole scenario. Her explanation was that I wasn't at the field trip (since I was sick that day). But it is clear that that wasn't a valid enough explanation, since he didn't add anyone else. He really fancies her, more than a friend. I have been there for her when she was crying over a guy on Thursday and I won't be crying over this guy and expose my long forgotten weak and vulnerable side. I do not want her to know that I feel hurt because it would do no good to the situation. Plus, she would feel worst. I'm still listening to Al-Green this morning (Sunday) but it's a different tune. It's now "How Could You Mend A Broken Heart". A duet with Joss Stone.
I told this to my friend the other day when she was crying. Imagine this, songs were written for a reason. For the writer to share stories about their experience and heartaches. They must have had it worst than us since they could capture that sadness and have written a whole song about it. I wanted to write a song about a shattered heart, but I was stuck. I did not have a relationship with this guy. It was merely a crush. He knows nothing about me and I know nothing about him, except the fact that he used me as a jealousy trap. I put my pen down and started sketching a Man on the Moon instead.
I felt better already, possibly because I came to a realisation. How could My Heart be Mended if it wasn't even broken to begin with? So now, I'm finally smiling to this self-discovery. I'm, well almost thrilled. I have manged to turn a bad day into a good one. I have shifted my thoughts, I have managed to control my emotions. Although I still have Al-Green and Joss Stone on repeat but now I'm just singing-along to the song trying to feel their emotions and not actually feeling it. It is such a beautiful song and it was beautifully lyric-ed.
So if you are having a bad day, in this case a crush or uncrushed. Think. Better know now before you get into deep. I am who I am, if he doesn't like me it's definitely not the end of the world. I felt inspired and re-shifted my focus. I will now fully concentrate on my music. Not being distracted by nonsensical thoughts. I would take it as that he was just a distraction, not by any means a significant impact on my life.
So remember, when you are down, listen to your feel good tunes. Create a playlist titled as that on your iTunes. So you know that just in case you feel a little blue you can just hit the play button and feel better.
Love as always,
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
It's been ages since my last post. I have been going through a little bit of a transition in my personal life. I'm moved from Paris to Kuala Lumpur and now I'm in Taipei pursuing my life long dream. Singing. Laugh or applaud I find that I'm in the exact place that my heart tells me. People may tell me I have balls (although I clearly have female genitals) but I think metaphorically I do have em'. Haha!
I'm learning Chinese now. Going back to my roots and even learning some Taiyu as I go along. By the way Taiyu is another dialect that is widely spoken in Taiwan. My grandpa speaks it but the only thing that I learnt from him is that I'm useless and can't speak his dialect. So that is one of my biggest motivation to learn to I will be able to have a decent conversation with him when I get back home. He may seem old and grumpy but definitely has a heart of gold.
I have learnt many things within my transitory period. For one, how to be take a positive turn in life. You are only given one life, so why not do what pleases you. What you truly enjoy. For me that was, singing. I sang all my life but I must admit I was one of those closeted singers. The ones who only sing behind close "toilet" doors. Where I know only I could hear myself, with no one to judge. So beginning of this year (2011), I decided I'm going to buckle up my courage and fasten myself tightly secured to my space shuttle of my dream career.
It's pretty big here. Kinda a big deal. They are holding auditions in the States, Canada, Aus, Singapore, China, Taiwan and Malaysia. So wish me luck. I'm up to round two of the competition.
Lulu with much Love